Baby Puns and Jokes | It’s apPARENT if these son puns go father, we’ll have to cut the cord! 

These baby puns and jokes will deliver exactly what you were expecting- Lots of kidding and childish fun!

Baby puns and jokes are so useful! They’re perfect for baby shower cards, captioning Instagram or Facebook pictures, upping your arsenal of dad jokes, or just annoying everyone around you. 

Here’s my massive collection of baby puns and jokes covering everything from diapers to nurseries and anything in between! I’ve collected these baby puns and jokes from sources all around the interior, including Reddit. 

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Baby Puns, Jokes, and One Liners

baby pun - how do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep- you rocket
If you want an astronaut’s baby to sleep, you need to rocket.

A baby’s laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear…

Unless it is 3 a.m., you’re home alone, and you don’t have a baby.

What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry.

What do you call a group of pudgy baby soldiers? 

Heavy infantry! 

If a baby refuses to go to sleep…Is she resisting arrest?

The nurse told the parents of a newborn, “You have a cute baby.”

The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the new parents.”

“No,” she replied. “Just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”

The husband asked, “So, what do you say to the others?”

The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

The moment the baby falls asleep…The phone rings, the siblings fight, the door slams, and the dogs bark. Never fails!

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?

”His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

Johnny exclaimed, “Wow… I can see why they threw him out!”

A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40.

I said no, 40 babies are enough.

What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles?

Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan.

My partner is so negative… I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag… But all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Why did the baby crawl across the street?

He saw the one object you told him he couldn’t play with!

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Why did the baby cry at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.?

Why not?

My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord. He had really grown attached to it.

Why did the infant go on a diet?

She wanted to lose her baby fat.

I would make a joke about newborns… But the delivery would be too painful.

How did the baby almost get her and her mom kicked out of the crowded theater?

She yelled, “pacifier!”

There’s these 2 newborns in the nursery and 1 baby looks over at the other and says, “I’m a little boy, how about you?” The other baby says, “A boy? How do you know?” The first baby whips back his blanket, points down, and says, “See! Blue booties!”

How many infants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He just points at it and cries until his caregiver does it for him.

Mom: “You’re growing up now, so you don’t need a bottle all the time.”

Baby: “I could say the same to you, mother.”

Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their baby?


Why does a mother carry her baby?

The baby can’t carry the mother.

Parent to her friend: “I’m exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m.”

Friend: “It’s probably not good to keep a baby up that late.”

Image courtesy of Amazon

When you secure your baby to a wooden car seat, it literally becomes a baby on board.

Random person to a parent holding two babies: “Hey! Are those twins?”

Parent: “Triplets, actually. I just leave the ugly one at home.”

Two babies got switched in the hospital after someone was asked to change them.

On the way home from the hospital today with our newborn daughter

My wife said “it feels like forever since we’ve been home”…

To which I replied, “Yeah, for some of us it’s been a lifetime”.

When my fussy baby girl refuses to stop crying, I always pacify her.

Midwife, handing over the newborn baby: Make sure you support his head.

Dad: Sure. What a great head you got there. Well done!

Find even more parenting jokes and memes here!

Did you know there’s a prequel to that book where people race around the globe as fast as possible? 

It’s called Around the World in Baby Days

We decided to have a baby just for shits and giggles.

Did you hear the joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s newborn daughter?

It’s a little niche.

My husband got me a small lizard when I asked him to get me a baby monitor.

Jake: “My mom is having a new baby.”

Joy: “What’s wrong with the old one?”

What do you call a newborn baby?

Anything you want.

I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.

Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.

My friend’s gambling is getting out of hand.

He just bet his newborn son in our game of poker. And I thought I might have to raise him.

I rushed to the hospital when I heard my cousin could neither walk nor speak…

Apparently all newborns are like that.

Why do we dress babies in onesies?

Because they can’t dress themselves.

A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

Who’s bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby?

Their baby because he’s a little Bigger.

I sat next to a baby on a 10-hour flight.

I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn’t laugh once.

Know why?

It was the delivery.

A couple is having a baby soon.

After learning they’re having a boy, the husband says, “Let’s name him Pete!”

But the wife says, “Honey, we’re having twins.”

The husband replies, “Well, we can call the second one RePete.”

I told my friends a joke about birth complications, but no one laughed.

It must have come out wrong.

I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

With any luck, right after she finishes college.

Do I have to have a baby shower?

Not if you change the baby’s diaper quickly.

Newborns who arrive on holidays are usually females because there are no mail deliveries on holidays.

Related post: Parenting Jokes and Memes- Holiday Edition

Willy: “Mom, are our neighbors poor people?”

Mother: “I don’t think so, Willy. Why do you ask?”

Willy: “Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.”

My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”

I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!

Everyone keeps telling us that our newborn is “sooo tiny!”

We were worried at first but her doctor says she should grow out of it.

Music puns about infants

My baby’s favorite bands are Lady GooGoo, Baby Antebellum and the Goo Goo Dolls.

Yeah? My baby doesn’t usually listen to rap, but she loves The Real Slim Baby

What song does Iron Man sing to his newborn? 

Baby Stark do do do do!

What song does Sansa sing to her infant?

Baby Stark do do do do!

How can you tell if your newborn’s favorite music is black metal?

If you can’t cut the unbiblical chord

Being a dad to a newborn is very hard. It’s a lot like learning to play the piano: at first it seems impossible and you can’t believe millions of people have done it. But you keep at it and after a while you either become good at it or you sell it on the internet.

Diaper Puns 

When do parents change the most baby diapers?

In the wee wee hours.

Why is that baby still in diapers?

I’ll give you two reasons: number 1 and number 2.

Why shouldn’t you put a baby’s dirty diapers in the laundry? 

You don’t want to hamper his movements!

I saw my son playing with a used diaper while the air conditioner was on.

It was all fun and games until the shit hit the fan.

Changing diapers is the hardest part about having kids.

You can’t half-ass it.

Never trust a baby with a dirty diaper.

They’re full of shit.

What did Joseph say when changing Jesus’s first diaper?“


baby jokes and puns

My baby just ate a bunch of scrabble tiles.

The next diaper change could spell disaster.

Why can’t a parent change a light bulb?

Because they don’t make diapers small enough.

What did the new parent say upon seeing “16-28 pounds” on the side of the diaper box?”

That’s one huge bowel movement.”

Baby Nursery Puns

how did batman decorate baby robins crib? with a bat mobile!

How did Batman decorate baby Robin’s crib?

With a bat mobile!

When Frosty the snowman had a baby, he put a snowmobile on his baby’s crib.

Do you remember what you used to call your security blanket when you were little?

No, I’m drawing a blankie!

I hang old smartphones over my baby’s crib. They’re mobile devices, after all. 

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t have teddy bears. You know why?

He had real bears.

Do you know how Stonehenge came to be?

By Chuck Norris stacking blocks as a baby.

These jokes are so bad, you’ll want to leave the womb

Why didn’t the baby want to be born?

Because it didn’t want to give up its free womb and board!

baby pun- what do you call twins before they are born? womb mates

What are twins called before they are born? 

Womb mates

What do triplets need more of than single babies?

More womb!

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

How did the baby know she was ready to be born?

She was running out of womb.

How does a fetus eat? 

It orders womb service 

How does a baby keep the uterus clean?

It uses a woomba

What’s the best part about being a test tube baby?

A womb with a view.

Nerdy baby jokes

baby yoda's first word probably came after his second word

Baby Yoda’s first word probably came after his second word.

What did the mathematician feed her baby? Quadratic formula.

The tech savvy baby told his mom that he has wet his diapers through pee-mail.

The baby computer spoke his first word when he called his dad “da-ta”.

A baby born in a high-tech hospital usually comes out cordless.

How do you get an astronaut’s baby to sleep? You rocket.

A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.” The nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken. Perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153.”

Johnny: Knock knock
Jane: Who’s there?
Johnny: Baby Yoda 
Jane: Baby Yoda who?
Johnny: Baby Yoda one for me!

Animal themed baby puns

what did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? well i'll be a monkeys uncle!
  • What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!
  • The best remedy for a baby pig suffering from a diaper rash is an oinkment.
  • A baby goat should always be treated like a kid.
  • A newborn monkey is called a chimp off the old block.
  • All the baby turkeys who were upset over the football result were crying fowl.
  • Baby fish usually sleep in a bass-inet.
  • An adult snake is different from a baby snake because a baby snake has a rattle.
  • Did you hear about the collie pup who liked to give kisses? She was col-licky!
  • What did the baby dolphin do when he didn’t get his way? He whale-d.
  • Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.
  • What did the mother cow say to the baby cow? “It’s pasture bed time.”
  • What do you call a baby bee? A little humbug.
  • What do you call a cow that had a baby? De-calf-inated.
  • What did the buffalo say to his baby boy when paternity leave was over? “Bison!”

Even more baby jokes and puns 

When the baby corn was looking for her dad, she asked her mom, “Where’s my pop corn?”

A group of baby garbage bins is called a litter.

If you want to make a baby ghost laugh out loud, play peek-a-boo with it.

Did you hear about the mom who gave birth while on a cruise? She had a sea-section and gave birth to a healthy baby buoy and a little gull!

What do you call a boat that just got a baby dinghy? A mother ship.

What did the fire say to her husband after their son’s birth? “Honey… this is Arson.”

What did the hamburger name her baby? Patty

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato, and Baby Tomato are walking down the road. Baby Tomato starts to lag behind. Papa Tomato becomes angry, goes up to Baby Tomato, squeezes him, and says, “Catch up!”

Why was the baby drop of ink crying? His mom was in the pen, and he didn’t know how long her sentence was.

Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because his mom and dad were in a jam.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers.

When potatoes have babies, what are they called? Tater tots

What do you call a baby potato? A small fry.

who held the baby octopus for ransom? squidnappers!

Who held the baby octopus for ransom? Squidnappers

Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth? Because littering is a crime.

What did the doctor say when the pregnant woman gave birth to a frozen pizza? “It’s not delivery; it’s DiGiorno!”

Baby puns and jokes for Instagram 

baby pun captions for instagram

These baby jokes and puns will give you great ideas for Instagram captions. Or possibly terrible captions, depending on your friends’ senses of humor! 

  • It’s apparent that I’m a parent!
  • Our baby is like a newspaper. There’s a new issue with her every day! 
  • He cries every night at whine o’clock.
  • She loves to sleep for a few hours at a time. That’s why we call her the kid-napper.
  • I like to sneak a bottle to the baby and not tell Mom about it. I call it my secret formula. 
  • Yesterday, I had to take my baby to jail for resisting a-rest
  • I was playing poker with my baby when I told him “I’ll raise you. “
  • Did you know babies can’t support their heads because they have to develop their neck muscles?  Just a heads up! 
  • I won’t let my baby work on my Ferrari’s engine. He doesn’t have fine motor skills yet. 
  • When you send a picture of a newborn and your messages app says “delivered”
  • I’m giving my son my building blocks so I can pass on the lego-cy!

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” —Leo Burke

Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything is broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano

“Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” —Johnny Castle, Dirty Dancing

Baby puns for Instagram for boys

  • Oh boy!
  • Even though he wasn’t born on Christmas, when he arrived, I sang Boy to the World.
  • If I write a song about him, I’ll call it Ode to Boy. (Also good if he’s playing with a musical instrument in your picture! )
  • I’ve got that boy boy boy boy down in my heart! Down in my heart! I’ve got that boy boy boy boy down in my heart today! 
  • Here comes the son!
  • You are my sonshine!
  • When we read him a book, it’s a boy story! 
  • My wife and I found out that our boy was convicted of burning down houses. But no matter what, he’s still arson.

Baby puns for Instagram for girls

  • Baby is integirl to our lives! 
  • My daughter is too young for earrings, but she loves droolery!
  • I introduced my daughter to my brother yesterday and he said “Niece to meet you! “
  • Ok this one is extremely specific but also hilarious (at least to me). Your baby girl should be wearing a polka dot outfit. This is my dot-her! 

Baby Puns from Reddit 

puns are just baby jokes... that arent fully groan

Puns are just baby jokes…that aren’t fully groan 

That joke was a bit childish

I was just kidding around

Quit being a baby! 

These puns just keep going father and father

I don’t get these jokes but maybe it’s because I’m the new kid on the block

What dad you just say? 

Okay, we better cut the cord now…

How does a fetus eat? It orders womb service 

How does a baby keep the uterus clean? It uses a woomba

What are twins called before they are born? Womb mates

What’s the best part about being a test tube baby? A womb with a view.

My wife has been seeing a fertility doctor about her egg problem and even though it wasn’t fertile, an egg was released. She was eggstatic, but an ovaryaction if you ask me.

Towards the end of my pregnancy. I wasn’t showing very much but the baby was average size but slowed his movements down. We used to say he is running out of womb.

What did the hamburger name her baby? Patty 

I nicknamed my baby Vladimir. Because he’s always Putin!

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants.

If a baby is born on a plane, do you call it airborne? 

The stork delivers small babies, but larger babies are delivered by crane.

It’s apparent that you’re a parent! 

My friend gave birth on the way to the hospital and her husband named him Carson. 

Babies are often up in arms. 

What do parents feed their babies if they want them to become race car drivers? Formula One. 

I hang old smartphones over my baby’s crib. They’re mobile devices, after all. 

The woman delivering my baby was in a bad mood today. I think she was going through a midwife crisis.

No matter what you colic, a baby crying for hours is a pain. 

The failure of the third largest baby toy manufacturer was enough to rattle the industry. 

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle! 

Why shouldn’t you put a baby’s dirty diapers in the laundry? You don’t want to hamper his movements! 

My sister just texted me that she had a baby, but didn’t say whether it was a boy or a girl. So I don’t know if I’m an uncle or an aunt. 

Kids born before chicken nuggets were invented are known as pretenders.

When a baby kicks inside the womb, is it a birthquake?

Heard in the delivery room: Here comes the son!

It’s pretty hard to come up with jokes about giving birth. There’s a lot of labor involved. 

[Source 1, Source 2, Source 3]

Breastfeeding jokes and puns

A mother’s milk is the newborn’s breast friend.

What did the new mom say to her newborn baby when he bit down her nipple? You suck!

what is a breastfed babys least favorite holiday- halloween pun

What’s a breastfeeding baby’s least favorite holiday? Hall-o-wean.

My newborn didn’t want to latch. She was resisting a-breast.

“I don’t always drink milk. But when I do, I prefer Dos Tetas.” — The Most Interesting Baby in the World

Related post: Find even more udderly ridiculous breastfeeding jokes and memes here! They won’t LET you DOWN!

Wrap Up

I hope I delivered what you were expecting!  The biggest collection of baby jokes and puns that you’ll find anywhere on the internet. 

Know of any good jokes I should add? Please share them in the comments! 

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