28 Sharp (and Nice) Childfree Comebacks

You and your partner decided long ago to have kids, and you’ve never heard the end of it. People you know well and even complete strangers might feel like it’s their solemn duty to interrogate you about your lack of children and try to convince you to have some.

It’s rude and unnecessary but is built into so much of how society perceives people who don’t have children. That’s why we compiled a list of great comebacks and insults you can use when people ask you various questions about your childlessness.

Note: use these with discretion and only when you know someone is being rude and not genuinely curious.

“Why Don’t You Have Kids Yet?”

Some people just go for the jugular and directly question your choice not to have children. It’s rude because it presumes that they know better than you and forces you to defend your life decisions. That’s unfair and is something that they likely would hate you doing to them.

Remember: some people might be curious and mean no harm with this comment or others. However, many people are being rude when asking and deserve a little (or a lot of) pushback for their questions. Here are several great ways you can let them know what you think of them:

Sharper Comebacks:

• “Nobody ever explained to me how you get one. Do you have to go to the store and buy one, or do happy parents like you simply give them away?”

• “Listen: do you know that kids take up 30% of your income? I’ve been saving up for a trip to the moon so I can get away from rude people asking strangers random questions and can’t afford that.”

• “I’ll answer that question when you tell me why you haven’t learned to ask complete strangers rude questions. I’m very interested in learning the answer to that question!”

• “Personally, I can’t stand kids’ shows, and I don’t know if I could handle watching a thousand Disney princesses and a million episodes of Spongebob any time soon.”

• “Spoken like someone who’s never had the amazing luck to listen to a child scream on a plane every minute of a 12-hour flight!”

• “Thanks to the terrible spending and politics of your generation, my generation can’t afford to have children. So thanks again, boomer!”

Nicer Option:

• “My partner and I decided a long time ago that we didn’t want to have children, and we’re sticking with that decision.”

Related post: Comebacks For Rude Pregnancy Comments

“When Are You Going to Have Little Ones?“

Though this question might seem innocuous on the surface, it’s actually a frustrating trap. It presumes that you want children, and when you don’t, you’re likely to get a barrage of questions about that. It’s best to just cut that wagon train off at the pass with a few well-timed comebacks.

The severity of the comment should vary depending on how rudely the question is presented. For example, if it’s asked with a fairly aggressive or even demeaning tone, it’s a good idea to be as withering as possible. Here are a few options that might make sense for you:

Sharp Comebacks:

• “When the human population isn’t threatening to destroy the planet. Honestly, I don’t know how more people aren’t deciding to go child-free in today’s insane world.”

• “Well, I’m waiting for them to ripen back at the farm. My partner and I planted the seeds and watered them every day, but no babies have grown yet. Can you give me some advice?”

• “That’s a good question, but let me ask you the same thing: when are you going to have children? Oh, you already had some? Why not more? I bet you could pump out three or four more.”

• “Why do you care? Is there some kind of law that says all couples need to have kids? Am I going to be put in the Hunger Games if I don’t have some? Let me know, please!”

• “I’m sorry, can you repeat the questions? I could have sworn that you asked me something rude that is none of your business. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt like you should others.”

• “Oh, are you planning on giving yours away? I am okay, thanks! There are definitely better options anyway: did you know you could sell them on the black market and make good cash?!”

Nicer Option:

• “To be honest, my partner and I have decided we’re not going to have children. There are a lot of reasons for that, and if you want to know, I can tell you about it.”

Comeback Ideas For Parents: How To Respond To Unwanted Parenting Advice

“Are You and Your Partner Struggling to Have Kids?“

Wow. This question is one of those things you hear once in a while that makes you question your faith in humanity. How anybody could think this was a proper and reasonable thing to ask is beyond us. Even if your best friend asks you this question, they sure are presuming a lot.

As a result, it’s important to come out kind of hot out of the gate with this question and to give pretty harsh pushback. You don’t want them assuming that they can ask you things like this and get away with it. Here are a few savage things you can say and one nice redirect to consider:

Sharp Comebacks:

• “Listen, we try every night! Get down and dirty in ways that you couldn’t even imagine. Heck, we bring in two or three other guys to help, too. You’d think we could get it done, eh?”

• “Are you struggling to think and speak clearly? Maybe you’re having a stroke right now that affects your ability not to be a rude jerk. I’ll forgive you this time, but don’t let it happen again.”

• “Oh no, we have at least one or two kids a year. We just left them back at home to tend to the farm. Child labor is as cheap as it gets, especially when you’re still breastfeeding them!”

• “When you’re juggling a full-time, jet-setting career as a model, actress, and billionaire, you simply don’t have time to raise kids. Get back to me when you’re as fabulous as me!”

• “Actually, it’s more like we’re struggling to not have kids. When you’re having great sex every night, it’s hard to keep those little buggers from popping up unexpectedly.”

• “You know, that’s a funny question. Let me ask you: are you struggling to breathe properly? Are you getting enough oxygen to the brain? That would explain that question.”

Nicer Option:

• “Well, no, we’ve just decided not to have children. We know that might seem strange to some people, but it’s something that we’re sticking with. We’ve been tested for fertility, and we’re both fine.”

Related post: How To Deal With Weight Comments During Pregnancy

“It’s So Strange to See a Couple Without Kids These Days!“

Often, this comment is said by someone a little older who might be a bit more traditional or set in their ways. As a result, it’s important to tread carefully here. While you can be absolutely devastating with your insults, it might be more than a little mean to go after an older adult in this way.

That said, there’s no reason you can’t tell them off if they’re being rude about it! Being a little older doesn’t give someone free rein to say whatever they want. As a result, it’s a good idea to consider the following comebacks if someone asks you this undoubtedly rude question:

Sharp Comments:

• “I think it’s strange to see a person who hasn’t learned basic decency saying such ridiculous things. Oh, who am I kidding? People like you are more common now than ever!”

• “When people say that, they’re always assuming that the couple is selfish. Well, I think it’s pretty selfish to assume that everyone has to do things exactly the same way as you!”

• “Do you want to know something even stranger? There are millions of couples like us who don’t have kids! I think you might need to get out a bit more often to see what the world has to offer.”

• “Have you ever thought about not saying such rude things to people you don’t even know? I feel like that would get you farther in life. Maybe even make you the president!”

• “Do I have to justify every decision I make in my life to random strangers? Do you need me to explain why I cheated on a third-grade spelling test? I’m here to confess everything to you!”

• “Oh, my partner and I have six dogs, 10 cats, four monkeys, 18 snakes, nine parrots, and a partridge in a pear tree back at home. Do you think that we have time to have kids?”

Nicer Option:

• “You know, we’ve heard that a lot, but we’re still okay not having kids. It’s something that we decided to do a long time ago because we knew we’d be happier doing our own thing. Thank you for asking and, if we ever change our minds, we’ll let you know!”

Related post: Funny Comebacks When Someone Says You Look Tired

Wrap Up – Sharp (and Nice) Childfree Comebacks

Save these witty comebacks the next time you’re caught on a crossfire of questioning why you remain childfree.

How do you deal with these side comments and questions? Share your wisdom and let us know in the comments!

More comeback ideas: Funny Ways To Say You Aren’t Pregnant