Funny Ways to Say You Aren’t Pregnant

It’s something just about every woman has experienced at some point: a friend or stranger politely (or even not so politely) asking if you’re pregnant. Now, that’s fine and dandy if you are, but what if you’re not pregnant? That person has basically just insinuated that you’re getting a little chunky, which can feel quite hurtful and insulting. What should you do? There are a few comments you can make to ease the mood and minimize any hurt feelings. Or you can go scorched earth with insults if you want.

Baby on Board: How I Adore!

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Homer becomes a barbershop quartet pop star after writing a song called “Baby on Board”? If not, open up Disney+ and check it out! It’s episode 24 of season three, back when the show was good. Anyway, this comment is based (like the song) on those classic “Baby on Board” signs and is a fun, lighthearted way to tell people you’re not pregnant:

“Oh, there’s no baby on board here! Maybe just a little too much beer and delicious food!”

We like this comment because it’s not too insulting (lots of comments can be, and sometimes that’s appropriate) and is mostly silly. Whoever asked is likely to feel a little silly, but not too bad for asking since you’re making light of the situation. We consider it a win-win, especially if it’s someone you care about who you know didn’t mean any harm. Trust us: we have some comments for those people.

This Ain’t No AirBnB!

The concept of Airbnb has transformed the rental industry and created many income possibilities for homeowners. Even if you’ve never used it before, you’ve probably heard of the concept and can use it to your advantage when someone asks you, erroneously, if you’re pregnant. It’s a pretty light answer but has a little bit more edge to it than the previous one, so read it carefully before using it:

“I’ve heard of some weird AirBnB ideas, but this tops them all! Nah, got no little renters with me right now.”

This comment is another light, silly, and mostly friendly thing to say. It has a slight edge to it but isn’t too sharp. Just as importantly, it’s funny without being overbearing and a little strange to boot. That gives it the kind of interesting feel that makes it a great choice for both friends and strangers. Use it with a stranger if you want to throw them off a little and make them rethink ever talking to you.

Buffet Blues

Buffet restaurants are incredibly popular because they give you a lot of food to try, often at a very low price. The quality of the food might be a little low at times, but it’s quantity over quality here. Whether or not you enjoy eating at these dining establishments or not, there is a fun way to use them when somebody asks you if you’re pregnant. Try this comment or variations of it out:

“That’s a good question, but let me ask you something: have you been to the new buffet restaurant in town? I just got back from there, and let me tell you: it’ll make you feel pregnant!”

We love this comment because it’s another silly and funny way to correct someone without insulting them. It’ll get them laughing and might even open them up to other types of conversation, such as talking about a real buffet dining experience! Make sure you really do have a buffet in town before trying this out so that you can chat about it after breaking the tension with this statement.

Science Experiment Gone Wrong

This comment sits somewhere in the middle of silly and rude. It makes fun of the person who asked the question (only a little) while also making light of the situation with a weird and unexpected turn. Try this if you’re known for your quirky sense of humor and can pull off an “alien invasion” story.

“Oh, this? You’re not supposed to be able to see that. It’s a science experiment by a group of aliens! If you can see it, that means you might be an alien. Uh oh! Does your mom know?”

Try to use this comment if you know the person receiving it is likely to laugh. For example, it works well with a good friend who has a similar silly humor style. However, you can also use it to confuse and frustrate people who you know won’t like the comment. In this way, it’s kind of the best of both worlds: it can be hilarious to the right person or off-putting to someone you don’t care about offending.

You might also like: Funny Comebacks When Someone Says You Look Tired

Unleash the Hounds

Here’s a statement that’s both a little funny and insulting. It works on the premise that you’re a rich, evil mastermind with a hoard of trained dogs ready to attack anyone who upsets you. That dynamic tells the insulting person that you’re beneath them but also plays out a silly scenario at the same time. As a result, you can play it a bit both ways, but we suggest going hard on the sarcasm:

“Oh, you just asked an unpregnant woman if she’s expecting? There’s only one response to that: unleashing the hounds. I’d start running because your head start is shrinking.”

This statement is obviously a little strange and might confuse or even anger the person who asked you if you were pregnant. Don’t feel bad if they were being rude about it! They deserve confusion and frustration. Note that you can also play this one off as a joke in the right situation, but it typically puts down whoever asked you and puts them in their proper place: plenty of space between the two of you.

This post might come handy to anyone you know: Comebacks For Unsolicited Parenting Advice

You Kiss Your Mother With Those Lips?

Enough of being nice! Let’s go straight for the jugular with some harsh and even insulting statements. Now, we don’t suggest using these often because they might cause real hurt feelings. Only use them if you know the person asking the question is also being insulting, and you want them to feel just as insulted back. Here’s the first of our insulting comments, and don’t say we didn’t warn you:

“I’m not an expecting mother, but I expected more out of your mother than that kind of comment. Did she teach you to go around asking rude questions to complete strangers?”

This comment bypasses the polite humor of the previous comments and lets them know exactly what you think of their comment. It also pushes back, directly insulting them, and goes after their mother. We call this the “going atomic” option: people don’t take lightly mother-related insults, so make sure that you’re fully ready for the potential consequences of unleashing this zinger on someone.

You Win!

Are you someone who excels with sarcasm and irony? This statement might be the best option for you! It lets them know exactly what you think about what they just said and gives you the opportunity to be a little funny at the same time. It’s the kind of comment that, once said, should leave any rude person stammering to apologize or find ways to take back what they said. Here it is:

“You win the ‘Rudest Comment I’ve Heard All Day’ award! This special prize goes out to anyone dumb enough to ask a chubby woman if she’s expecting. Your reward? Withering sarcasm and contempt!

The intense sarcasm and irony of this statement should be enough to put most people in their place after asking what can only be considered a very rude statement. You’re basically letting them know that what they said isn’t cool and giving them the kind of respect back that they gave you: none. It’s a good way to shut someone down pretty quickly: how can you bounce back from a statement like that?

Whether you’re pregnant or not, we got you: How To Deal With Weight Comments During Pregnancy

Other Funny Things to Say

If those comments don’t quite work for you, here are a few that you can try out:

“Nope, I’m just getting fatter, but haven’t you heard that fat is hot right now?” (This comment makes light of your weight gain and also helps you feel good about yourself)
“Actually, I just swallowed about 25 baseballs to smuggle across international borders. I think it will work, but, honestly, I don’t feel so good.” (This silly comment is good if you want to make a joke)
“Just stole a complete watermelon from the farmer’s market. Do you want to come over to our party of unpregnant women and have some?” (Try this somewhat friendly and silly comment out to get a smile)
“I’m not pregnant, but my stomach grows in anger every time somebody asks a stupid question around me. Don’t ask another, or I might blow up!” (A strange comment that will put someone in their place)
“Actually, I’m trying to pull off a pretty hard magic trick. If I do it right, a pot of gold should show up around here anytime soon.” (Another fun and silly comment that works well in many situations)
“No, I’m not pregnant, but I’m trying to fill out my ‘Stupid Questions’ bingo card and cheated a little. Thanks for asking me, though; I got a bingo!” (An insulting and funny comment that should put them down just fine

Wrap Up – Funny Ways to Say You Aren’t Pregnant

Whatever their intentions are in asking, these witty ways to respond will help you take care of the situation.