Tips for When Your Husband Won’t Wake Up with the Baby
Husbands have so many reasons not to help with the baby, right? They can’t feed the baby if you’re breastfeeding exclusively, so they snore all night while you sit up with sore, cracked nipples and a whiny baby. It’s not possible for them to do more during the day because they’re working full-time. The evenings aren’t good for them because they come home tired from a long day on the job.
The problem is you are also exhausted at the end of the day. In fact, you’re probably exhausted first thing in the morning, at noon, and every hour in between if your baby isn’t sleeping through the night. Why should your husband get to come home, kick his shoes off, and relax while you’re cooking dinner, washing dishes, and providing all the baby’s care?
Add that he gets more sleep than you do, and it seems incredibly unfair. The question isn’t how you cope with the resentment and anger growing within you. The question is what you can do to encourage your husband to help you more with the baby. We have some tips to help you get the assistance you need.
What Do You Do When Your Husband Doesn’t Help with the Baby?
Make Sure You’re Not Excluding Him or Overcriticizing
There are three reasons some men will shrink into the background at home rather than voluntarily helping with the new baby:
- They tried to help at first but were criticized for not doing things right. It was easier to step aside and let you handle everything to avoid that criticism.
- They feel micromanaged when doing things for the baby. If you often go behind him and redo tasks, then he may feel it’s pointless to do it in the first place.
- They feel excluded and don’t realize they’re needed. If you never ask for help directly and automatically do whatever needs to be done, they may feel unneeded or even unwanted.
If you see yourself in one or more of these points, don’t blame or criticize yourself. It’s not your fault! Your job is to change the dynamics now that you’re aware of potential issues. Start by talking to your husband, acknowledging these facts and asking him to tell you how he’s feeling.
If you have criticized his attempts to help in the past or micromanage his work around the house, start creating opportunities for him to spend time alone with the baby. He gets to care for the baby in his own way without a word from you. He will make mistakes, but you did as well when first getting used to motherhood, right?
If he feels excluded, then you can intentionally find ways to include him in baby care. Maybe he can’t breastfeed, but he can give the baby baths, enjoy tummy time on the floor, or take the little one to visit grandma while you spend some time alone.
Get Honest and Direct About Your Needs
Start by giving your husband the benefit of the doubt. Assume that he just doesn’t know that you need help or doesn’t know how to help. Sit him down for a serious talk with phones, television, and other distractions turned off. Tell him directly what you need from him.
Take the time to explain why you need help. Tell him that you’re concerned he won’t develop a bond with the baby and that you want the baby to benefit from a strong relationship with his or her father. Then go into specific tasks that he can complete to help you out.
He’s now aware that you need help, and he knows how to help. If he still fails to step up, there are some additional steps you can take.
Prioritize Your Needs Over His
This requires you to be a bit selfish but not petty. If your husband refuses to spend quality time with the baby and give you breaks as needed, then you may need to put your needs and that of the baby first.
That starts with acknowledging the things you do on a routine basis that only benefit your husband. Those are things you can realistically set aside to free up more time for a hot shower, nap, or phone call. The intention behind this is critical. You aren’t trying to teach him a lesson or prove your point. You’re simply choosing how to spend your time wisely.
Self-care is essential to your ability to continue caring for your baby with little to no help. If it comes down to choosing between a much-needed nap or packing your husband’s lunch, perhaps you need to take the nap and allow him to pack his own lunch.
Many men fail to realize how much their wives do for them until they must do that work for themselves. Caring for yourself first and doing what’s in your own best interests will give him a chance to care for himself. He may feel more comfortable doing that than caring for the baby.
If nothing else, you may just need to hire a babysitter to get the help you need at times. There’s no guilt or shame here. You’re doing what needs to be done for you and the baby.
Should a Working Dad Get Up with the Baby?
It’s just as important for dads to spend time bonding with their baby as it is for moms. It’s a bit more challenging when your husband works full-time because he doesn’t have as much time available. He also needs more quality sleep to safely drive to and from work while focusing and performing well on the job.
That said, all fathers can find some time to spend with their babies. If they have a day off, then that can become their day to get up with the baby at night and in the early morning. They may also take over for a few hours after work to give you a chance to relax.
Every family must find what works best for them, but working fathers should have just as much responsibility to the baby as the mother. That’s especially true if you plan on returning to work at some point and will depend on your husband to help with childcare.
How Can I Get My Husband More Involved with My Baby?
After talking to your husband and expressing the importance of him helping, you can plan opportunities for your husband to care for the baby alone. Remove yourself from the room or even the home while this occurs. Your goal is to give him the time he needs to grow as a father and develop a strong bond with the baby.
Is It Normal to Resent Your Husband After Having a Baby?
Resentment is a natural emotion if you’ve tried everything to get your husband to help with the baby and failed. If you go days, weeks, or even months practically begging for help and are denied by your partner in life, it can also lead to anger and bitterness. You start to resent the free time that your husband seems to have while you dream of sleeping for more than a few consecutive hours.
You may also resent that your husband gets to take a shower, get dressed in real clothing, leave the house, and interact with other adults during the day. You may feel cut off from the rest of the world or uninterested in social interactions because a hot shower, fresh meal, and quality sleep are far more important.
Why should he get to continue with a satisfying daily life outside of the home while your world is now limited to the baby and household chores? It is normal for this resentment to form, but it’s important to recognize where that resentment comes from.
It comes after you’re deprived of the help you need for a period of time. It comes after your requests for help are denied or ignored. It may even come after you fail to speak up and ask for help, expecting your husband to see how stressed out and depleted you are on his own. He should naturally want to do anything he can to help you, right? Why do you have to ask?
Wrap up- Husband Won’t Wake Up With The Baby
To heal resentment, you need to make your desire for help very clear. Spend some time thinking about why you’re resentful, and then find ways to meet those needs for yourself. Marriage counseling is a good idea if your husband seems unusually resistant to giving you and the baby the attention you need.
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